Dear Liz: When should I tell him about my past?

Dear Liz,

When I was fourteen I was sexually assaulted. Before now, I absolutely hated any guy and would shy away.

I’m now 19 and I am going on dates with someone really lovely. I feel so comfortable with him and almost as if I’m safe.

He brings up the future a lot and talks about sex (I’m a virgin lol) and I feel as though I’m ready.

Anyway, getting to the point, when do you think I should tell him about my past? I don’t want to scare him away.

Thank you for any advice!

-A

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed professional and this is simply my opinion and advice.

Dear A,

Thank you for sharing your story with me. I can only imagine how difficult it could be to open up about your traumatic past. Going through sexual assault at such a young age, I’m sure made it very difficult to trust guys in any relationship.

I hope that over time you have found healing regarding your past and if you haven’t completely healed,  I recommend you seek professional guidance. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help. It really shows how strong you are to confront your past.

To anyone reading this, if you have ever experienced sexual assault, I went ahead and did some research. I found an online article that provides a whole list of different resources. You can use those resources if you ever feel like you need to talk to a professional about your past. Please,  click HERE if you are  interested in these resources.

My advice to you:

I believe that honesty is the best policy and that is in any situation. Although being honest may not be the easiest at that moment it will make things better down the line.

If the question is when you should tell him, the answer is as soon as possible. I definitely think you should be honest about your past. Of course that doesn’t mean you need to share every detail, unless you are completely comfortable. Simply share with him that you were sexually assaulted, how that has affected your relationships, and why you felt the need to share that with him.

Letting him know that you do in fact feel comfortable with him to let him know is also important because it can reassure your partner if they have any doubts.

I don’t think you should be afraid to scare someone away by sharing your past because at the end of the that is your truth. If in fact he is scared away, he wasn’t ready to deal with situation and its better that you know sooner better than later.

I also think it’s important to make sure you feel absolutely comfortable before you take that next step. There is nothing wrong with taking your time until you feel comfortable and your partner should be able to understand that as well.

I hope that my advice/insights has helped you in this situation and again I appreciate you writing in,”A.”

 

If anyone else reading this is seeking out resources regarding sexual assault, please refer to this article HERE. 

 

xoxo,

Liz-Laugh-Love